im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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