you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
