you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
