Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
