When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
