I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
