I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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