Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
