i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
