I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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