I want to have your abortion
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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