Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
