Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
