I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
