ya dads aren't the best wingmen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
