Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
