where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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