ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
