he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
a search helicopter?!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
