Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize