i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
