Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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