I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
