Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
