State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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