today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
