need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
