Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
