His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
