remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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