I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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