meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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