Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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