wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
