duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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