I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
