i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Boobs speak an international language.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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