I just pynch a tree in the face
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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