I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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