dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
