If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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