Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
