Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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