did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
