hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
