guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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