Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I AM VODKA MAN
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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