btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
