I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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