Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
one might say we're banned from that church
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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