drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
