I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
