awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
