Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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