Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
