Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
