dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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