I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
