I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Alive.
So much puke
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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