How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
