We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
